I have cable to show a bit of normalcy

Throughout college I watched quite a bit of television. Well, not watched as much as had it playing at all times. I believe it was entirely necessary to have that TV on at all waking hours in order to keep the incessant noises of my &*$&*# roommates out of my head (note on roommates: the best decision I made was not living with friends). I usually had very little clue as to what was playing on my television at any particular moment. More than once I realized that I'd been "watching" the Asian/Hispanic/Hindi channel for about 2 hours. It was great background noise to doing homework, Google-ing random people, looking up quotes to motivate me to study ("I do not know anyone who has gotten to the top without hard work. That is the recipe. It will not always get you to the top, but it will get you pretty near." - Margaret Thatcher). I even took up making Origami flowers out of old magazines. When I was finished, I realized MSNBC had been blasting me about politics, war, death, etc. However, I was in a wonderful, floating, Origami mood. When I wanted to watch quality television, I would stick in a disc from my collection of Buffy, Angel, and Gilmore Girls DVDs. The point is, my HUGE television (my dad would have to come to help me move specifically because it was a big box of wires that would have crushed me) got me through college and helped me to not go to prison for the murder of my random roommates.

 

Just before I moved to this lovely city, Houston, TX, my dad found a deal online for an even bigger, but lighter weight, television. Of course I HAD to buy it. It would be so much easier to move, clearer picture, blahblahblah, he convinced me it was a great deal and I needed to have it. I now live alone (hopefully Dad won't see this post because he'll get very angry that I'm announcing to the World Wide Web that I am a girl who lives alone…oops) and I still "watch" that television almost every day. However, I am an adult now, so my rent no longer includes electricity, cable, phone, etc. I have to pay these things separately. And paying a cable bill every month is really starting to get to me. I am becoming obsessed with the thought of canceling my cable. But if I do that, what will I turn on when I have people over and want to avoid awkward pauses in conversation? I, myself, have no issue with watching the same 3 1997-2007 cable series over and over and over and over… but then I'd have to get up to change the DVD. I've come very close to losing a (now ex-) boyfriend to my Gilmore Girl addiction, although he did start to appreciate Buffy. Though I now keep company with my computer and crocheting, I'm not sure if I should get back into the habit of reliving my teenage years and acting out my own version of these shows.

 

So the question remains: do I cancel my cable? Part of my waiting to make a firm decision is seeing if I can find someone to buy me a video gaming device that will stream Hulu and/or Netflix. If such a kind and giving soul existed, this entire (obviously HUGE) issue would be solved. Finding such person may involve putting down the computer, fighting the urge to pick up the crochet hook, getting off the couch, and going out into the world to *gasp* talk to people. No thanks. Maybe tomorrow.

I need to start being more thankful for the blessings I have in my life. Sometimes when life gets to be more difficult than I would like, I take to feeling sorry for myself. I put myself in a funk. I allow all aspects of my life to be affected by one event, person, toe stub. I make myself miserable. I blame others. I become angry and resentful. I make a plan to never be in a position to be hurt again. Meanwhile, I pretend that I'm strong with sarcasm and disregard for pain. But the truth is always under my words. The pain is an annoying twinge in my side. It will suddenly catch me off guard. It will catch my breath. It will make me light-headed and create a lump in my throat. But the pain is still there.

How to deal with it? I have no answer. But I have amazing friends who drag me out of my apartment and force me to have a great time whether I want to or not.  I have family who have unconditional and undying love and care and concern for me. Sometimes overbearing, but what good family isn't?

I need to be grateful. I need to count and then count again. My blessings are endless. And that's all I need to know.

Sometimes I really wish I wasn't me.

This is one of those times.

Dear Houston Drivers,

First and foremost: you suck. I don't just mean as drivers. You suck as human beings. You are part of what makes modern society a horrible place to raise children. You start wars. You cause forest fires. You are the reason behind world hunger. You may not have directly started these, but your attitude is the same as those who have. You are mean, ruthless individuals without common decency. You would rather risk the lives of all others on the road, including the innocent babies and puppies, than to slow down to 71mph (in a 60mph zone) and let someone in front of you.  Your focus for getting off the interstate and into the exit lane backfires since you don't let those who are in the exit lane and want to join the horrible traffic of I-10 ON TO I-10.

Houston Drivers, I do understand that you probably turned off your alarm this morning instead of getting in the shower when you were supposed to. You probably stopped to listen to the song you couldn't get out of your head. You may have even stopped to play a round of Angry Birds, just to brighten the mood of your morning. The interstate is not a round of Angry Birds though. There is no reason to slingshot yourself across 4 lanes. You are not actually connected to the car in front of you, so allowing 20 ft between you and the car in front of you will not break the invisible rope holding you two together.

I'm late for work too. I turned off my alarm. I listened to the song I went to sleep and woke up with in my head. I restocked my imaginary fashion store on my phone. I could have been on the road 30 minutes ago. I could have breezed through my morning routine, but instead I cut some lemons for the week. I ate some peanut butter. My cowlick just would notcooperate. I'm annoyed. I'm laughing at the radio and not paying the attention that I should to the road. But you riding up my ass makes none of this better. In fact, you make me want to slam on my breaks because there is no way you can stop since you're so close behind me I can't see your headlights.

Your car cannot push mine. I will not go faster because I happen to know where the police sit to watch for A-holes like yourself. I know this, because I have been pulled over when speeding to avoid an A-hole like you! Get off my ass get off my ass getoffmyasssss!!! I am doing my best to stay out of your way. Stop changing lanes when I do. I'm not your tour guide. If you don't like my speed, there are 4 other lanes, go around me.

Houston Drivers, try to be kind. "Kill 'em with kindness" and not your reckless driving. Let people switch lanes when they have the forethought to put on their blinker. Do not speed up so you can avoid letting someone in. You didn't need to go that speed 3 seconds ago, you don't need to go that speed now. Do not keep people from being able to get on the interstate because you insist on driving in the lane next to the entrance ramp. Do not ride so close to the person in front of you that you can see the details of my wonderful hair-do.

Do unto others, Houston Drivers, because if you don't start, I'm going to start calling the police with license plate numbers. P. S. There is no tax on blinker usage.

 Sincerely,

Katie Murphy

P. S. There is no tax on blinker usage, so feel free to start USING YOUR BLINKER.

My head is a jumbled mess. I didn't go in to work today because I woke up feeling crappy. But then I felt crappy for not going in to work.  I don't even know if the crappiness is physical at this point. I can feel myself sliding down down down into a place that I don't want to be.

There's been much too much focus lately on relationships; starting them, ending them, being in them, not being in them. It's not that I'm against relationships. I'm not even jealous of those who are in them. I just don't feel like I need to be in one right now. Maybe that's my version of a cop out so I can pretend I'm not lonely anymore. I'm starting to realize that loneliness has nothing to do with who's sitting net to you, but instead with how comfortable you are with being with yourself.

My resolutions can wait until my head is on a little straighter. I'm skipping the wishes, the "This year I'll lose __ pounds" and the "This year I'll read __ books". I'm skipping the numbers and the specifics. I'm aiming towards realistic goals that aren't necessarily measurable. I feel crappy. That's not measurable.  I want to feel better.

Resolutions to come.

All I asked for was everything. I wanted to make my world yours and yours mine. I wanted to give you my heart and have you hold it close to yours forever. I don't believe that was too much to ask. Regardless, it was too much and you said "No".

Now you want me. You want to hold me and kiss me and call me yours. But I'm not yours. I know I'm not and I know I can't be because you still claim that your actions aren't in your control.  Nothing else you say matters. I can't trust you and I don't. I have to protect myself and my heart because you're too immature to keep it safe.

I'm becoming stronger. I can feel it. I can turn down an offer. I can walk away. I can avoid a situation. I can keep my opinions to myself. I can laugh and smile and dance and not care about anything but what is happening in one moment.

I'm not quite ready to move on. I'm not ready to take my guard off yet. But I will be. I hope that. Maybe next week I'll know that...

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was miserable.  She had so many things, and yet nothing.  She felt that her hopes were simple. Her dreams were attainable.  However, when she walked outside, she couldn't breathe.  There was no fresh air in her world, in her life. Everyday she went through her day caring for herself and others, shopping, cleaning, listening to music and watching horrible movies.  She read books and laughed with friends.  And at night, every night, she dreamed of finding love with the literal boy of her dreams.  A boy she once knew, but now, only dreamed about. She had everything she could need, but not the one thing she wanted: pure, unadulterated, trusting love.

One morning, this girl woke up in a new world. There was only love in the world and no pain. There was only hope and no sorrow. There was no danger, no turmoil, no war, no poverty, no rape, no murder, no hatred, nothing that would ever keep a person from going outside into the fresh air, there was also no pollution.

There was a boy in this world that the girl loved tremendously, the one from her past, from her dreams. And the really shocking thing about this world was that the boy loved this girl back. Not only reciprocated the love she had for him, but loved her in his own way. He loved her the way she needed to be loved. He cared for her feelings before his own, not because they mattered more, but because her feelings affected his more than anything else in the world. He loved her and cared for her with his entire being, and she, well, she loved him with all that she had to give.

When they touched, there was a spark. When they kissed, fireworks. Everything she ever wanted was in this world. She wrapped up all her hopes and dreams and gave them to this boy.  And he held them for her, in his heart. He protected them and kept them safe forever.