All I asked for was everything. I wanted to make my world yours and yours mine. I wanted to give you my heart and have you hold it close to yours forever. I don't believe that was too much to ask. Regardless, it was too much and you said "No".

Now you want me. You want to hold me and kiss me and call me yours. But I'm not yours. I know I'm not and I know I can't be because you still claim that your actions aren't in your control.  Nothing else you say matters. I can't trust you and I don't. I have to protect myself and my heart because you're too immature to keep it safe.

I'm becoming stronger. I can feel it. I can turn down an offer. I can walk away. I can avoid a situation. I can keep my opinions to myself. I can laugh and smile and dance and not care about anything but what is happening in one moment.

I'm not quite ready to move on. I'm not ready to take my guard off yet. But I will be. I hope that. Maybe next week I'll know that...

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was miserable.  She had so many things, and yet nothing.  She felt that her hopes were simple. Her dreams were attainable.  However, when she walked outside, she couldn't breathe.  There was no fresh air in her world, in her life. Everyday she went through her day caring for herself and others, shopping, cleaning, listening to music and watching horrible movies.  She read books and laughed with friends.  And at night, every night, she dreamed of finding love with the literal boy of her dreams.  A boy she once knew, but now, only dreamed about. She had everything she could need, but not the one thing she wanted: pure, unadulterated, trusting love.

One morning, this girl woke up in a new world. There was only love in the world and no pain. There was only hope and no sorrow. There was no danger, no turmoil, no war, no poverty, no rape, no murder, no hatred, nothing that would ever keep a person from going outside into the fresh air, there was also no pollution.

There was a boy in this world that the girl loved tremendously, the one from her past, from her dreams. And the really shocking thing about this world was that the boy loved this girl back. Not only reciprocated the love she had for him, but loved her in his own way. He loved her the way she needed to be loved. He cared for her feelings before his own, not because they mattered more, but because her feelings affected his more than anything else in the world. He loved her and cared for her with his entire being, and she, well, she loved him with all that she had to give.

When they touched, there was a spark. When they kissed, fireworks. Everything she ever wanted was in this world. She wrapped up all her hopes and dreams and gave them to this boy.  And he held them for her, in his heart. He protected them and kept them safe forever.

Happy Birthday

Another year's gone by and I have very little to show for it. I can almost feel the eye-rolls I'd get from that statement. And yes, in many ways I've accomplished more than most in the last year. But I don't believe that I'm in a place far better than I was then. Maybe in another 2 months I will be. But right now the feeling of living at home with my parents in a town that cries out "Jesus-loving" arrogance is more than enough to beat down any feeling of accomplishment.

I can sit and imagine where I'll be in 2 months. How much different it'll be from where I'm sitting right now, but I don't want to.  I don't want to be disappointed.  For once in my life, I'm not going to imagine the possibilities because they tend to never come true the way I hope them to.

So, instead I'll focus on now.  On this month.  On packing and cleaning and getting my parents' house on the market and hopefully sold.  On not answering the texts that I wake in the morning to see if they have arrived or not (and this morning, nothing). I will not ponder the future. I'll test-drive some cars. Go to the beach.  I'll stop wondering "what if" and I'll move on.

The truth is, I could be married now. I could have a husband and possibly children. I could even have a divorce right now.  Having no one is the opposite of having a divorce, right? There's a plus.

Alright, no more brooding! Today is my day, right? I get to spend it with my wonderful friends that God obviously sent to me. It will be good to be surrounded by people who love me, not that my parents' 4 million questions per day don't show love. And I promise to try to not text back more than "Thanks", assuming that he ever realizes that the sun still rises in Georgia when he's not here and that it is, in fact, my Birthday.

Maybe tomorrow, after the hangover, I'll reflect more and see what good has come in the last year. Maybe I'll give myself some peace. Maybe I'll go live in India on an Ashram and learn to embrace the quiet and not let it overwhelm me. That's tomorrow. Today is not for planning. Today is for celebrating. Today is for being alive.

Wake up call!

So God has put the same person in my life two days in a row. I have never seen this person before, but he apparently lives in my building. To my knowledge, our paths don't often cross. Of course, my knowledge is dimmed by my cell phone and iPod. And my increased ability to avoid eye contact with most people around me. But two days in a row, this guy has been placed right in my path, once on a bus and once in an elevator. And this may be truly narcissistic of me, but I believe God put him there as a wake up call to me. Or at least, he had me look up from checking my cell phone (which, by the way has been used lately only to talk to my 4 girl friends and "Ice Dad" and Mom) long enough to take notice of this person and realize that I'm truly ungrateful. Not to say this encounter knocked me out of my dwindling depression and feeling of worthlessness, but it did show me how irrelevant and inconsiderate those feelings are at times. Basically, I believe that God is sending me the message, "Be thankful I didn't make you autistic. If you can't handle this little crap in life, you're definitely nowhere near qualified for something that makes you truly unique." I wish I could ask the boy what gives him strength. But I guess that answer comes once I start listening instead of doing all the talking in Katie-bashing form.

Focal Point

I'm trying to bring my life back into focus. I want the focal point of my life to be me. Doesn't that make the most sense? Not in a selfish, the world needs to revolve around me way. I just want to finally focus on myself and how I'm feeling inside. I don't want to cover it up anymore. If I don't conquer these feelings and insecurities now, then they will follow me to Houston. I don't want them there. They aren't welcome. No insecurities allowed!

I went out with girls last night. 5 girls, and I only have an attachment to 1. Yet, I walked out of the bar feeling like I had spent the evening with people I've known for years. It was a great release. But I still woke up with a knot in my stomach. I want the depression and anxiety to just melt away. I want to be able to sit with myself and feel complete. Well, at least not feel so alone. All. The. Time.

You officially broke me. I'm beaten and bruised with nothing to ice. Thinking about what you did makes my stomach want to wretch. Thinking about your hollow eyes makes my lungs want to scream. But thinking about how much none of it matters to you, how little I matter to you, makes my entire body sob. It's all disconnected. My body isn't my own. My thoughts aren't my own. I wake uncontrollably and sleep as a side effect of medication that wears off too soon.
I never asked for any of this. So many times I've been ready to walk away, from the good and bad.  You told me I wasn't worth anything to you, and I thought those words weren't your own, but now I see they were. You convinced me there was something deeper. That if I was patient, I would have my happy ending. I thought there was enough good to outweigh the bad. You tricked me into thinking there was any "good" at all.
How am I supposed to ever trust again? How can I ever be expected to open myself up to another man? There's a hole inside of me that I don't know how to fix. Forever it will be there, hidden behind whatever I put in front of it. I can graduate and move, I can start over, but it will always be there. Your branding on me. The marks from the lashes I took, for what? Your amusement? You own self-loathing?
What's the point?

“The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.” - Thomas Hardy

Hindsight

I think the worst part is knowing that it could have all been over 2 years ago, when I was stronger and my head was more clear. I could have stuck to my guns and avoided heartache on both sides. Maybe then we'd have a chance now. I don't understand how "college sweethearts" stay together. I don't know that two people can grow perfectly in sync together when too many factors get involved. It was the perfect 4-year storm.

People grow. And people move through life. And one day I'll do this or that, or both. I'll meet someone, I'll get married, I'll have babies, I'll grow old, and I'll move on to another life. But will I ever have the strength to open up to someone again? Will I ever be able to start from scratch, not wondering when it'll all go to Hell again? Will I ever be able to close myself off to him so I have a chance to move on?

The perfect storm, and now it's time for clean-up. Where's FEMA when you need them?

I've come to realize that my life is just a cycle of songs. Here's one: