Happy Birthday

Another year's gone by and I have very little to show for it. I can almost feel the eye-rolls I'd get from that statement. And yes, in many ways I've accomplished more than most in the last year. But I don't believe that I'm in a place far better than I was then. Maybe in another 2 months I will be. But right now the feeling of living at home with my parents in a town that cries out "Jesus-loving" arrogance is more than enough to beat down any feeling of accomplishment.

I can sit and imagine where I'll be in 2 months. How much different it'll be from where I'm sitting right now, but I don't want to.  I don't want to be disappointed.  For once in my life, I'm not going to imagine the possibilities because they tend to never come true the way I hope them to.

So, instead I'll focus on now.  On this month.  On packing and cleaning and getting my parents' house on the market and hopefully sold.  On not answering the texts that I wake in the morning to see if they have arrived or not (and this morning, nothing). I will not ponder the future. I'll test-drive some cars. Go to the beach.  I'll stop wondering "what if" and I'll move on.

The truth is, I could be married now. I could have a husband and possibly children. I could even have a divorce right now.  Having no one is the opposite of having a divorce, right? There's a plus.

Alright, no more brooding! Today is my day, right? I get to spend it with my wonderful friends that God obviously sent to me. It will be good to be surrounded by people who love me, not that my parents' 4 million questions per day don't show love. And I promise to try to not text back more than "Thanks", assuming that he ever realizes that the sun still rises in Georgia when he's not here and that it is, in fact, my Birthday.

Maybe tomorrow, after the hangover, I'll reflect more and see what good has come in the last year. Maybe I'll give myself some peace. Maybe I'll go live in India on an Ashram and learn to embrace the quiet and not let it overwhelm me. That's tomorrow. Today is not for planning. Today is for celebrating. Today is for being alive.